Eating my Words

“Life that breaks, that is a life that loves. A God who breaks is a God who loves. Expect to be broken. And then rejoice in a Love that hurts.”

“Nothing worth having comes easy, and as hard as Christ fought – to the death! – for you, so too should you accept the fight for Him.”

“I may be blind in this, but I am safe. And I know for sure I’ll be happy.”

Oh, here comes the best one…

“Being at rock bottom is a good thing.”

I could kick myself.

I could honestly just kick myself for writing these things to you over the course of this blog.

I sang a week ago “break my heart for what breaks Yours!”

I prayed a week ago “bring those who need You to the very rock bottom so they can find You!”

I asked a week ago “rid me of my worldly distractions so I can be all Yours!”

And you know what He did?

He answered my prayers.

He broke my heart.

He brought an important person in my life to (what I hope) is rock bottom.

He gave my life solitude and abandonment, but hey, at least I’m not distracted anymore!

Do I sound bitter?

I could kick myself.

Today is one of those days when I have to laugh at myself, smile a wry smile, look up at Heaven and say “yeah, yeah, funny, that was a good one!” and begrudgingly accept the fact that God once again has put me in my place.

When I began this blog I was nervous to publicize it. I kept it hidden for months, only telling a select few people about its existence.

When I finally went public, I was getting several hits and comments and likes, and I’ll be honest, it felt good.

Look at my intelligence!

Look at how many people care about what I have to say!

And the best one, these people must think I’m so holy if I can come up with such holy things!

And then?

God answered my prayers, and one by one He knocked people and things and desires out of my life until I was forced to eat my words.

Am forced, really. I’m begrudgingly accepting the fact that I must now put my money where my mouth is and walk the talk, practice what I preach, turn the other cheek.

You see, dear readers, I sometimes fall into a period of self-actualization where I think that because I’ve gone through such difficult struggles but I can come out on the other side with an exceptionally holy and humble blog post, I must have mastered the faith.

But yesterday something happened that rocked my world. Yanked the carpet out from under me. Tipped the boat. Hell – sunk the whole boat.

I believe the devil has made it a game to see how many bad things he can pack into one week, which obviously is going to be finals week. Which is this week.

And now that I am going through more struggles, watching my friend hit rock bottom but being unable to do anything to pull him up, having my trust tested and my faith shaken…I am being told by God to go back and read my old blog posts and listen to myself.

Listen to myself. I am being forced to listen to that voice that floats out of the screen, the voice that sounds like an older, wiser me…

Being at rock bottom is a good thing, Anna – it is? I ask myself this through tears.

End the arrogance and trust in God again, Anna – I’m not being arrogant, I scream in my head.

Rejoice in your brokenness, Anna – No! I draw the line there!

Maybe I was wrong when I wrote these blog posts! Maybe I was arrogant and pompous.

Maybe being at rock bottom is a bad thing like everyone else says, maybe I should try to fix these problems myself, maybe I’m doing something wrong if my faith is this difficult.

Maybe, what if, how, why, to what end? – I ask my voice, myself, my lies.

And yet, readers, here comes the crux of the matter.

I again hear another voice, a smaller voice, behind my own bitter promptings and Satan’s old futile lies.

A small, quiet, peaceful voice.

I hear His voice.

He tells me that these things that I wrote, these did not come from me, these did not come out of my own limited imagination.

No, these things came from Him, and they are good, and right, and true.

And then it boils down to the humor of the entire situation, here is where we can delight in being loved by a God of Humor.

I asked to be broken, I asked to be put through the ringer – and I told God I would use these hardships as a means to reach out to others in the blogosphere and perhaps even further one day.

And He smiled and nodded and said Yes, Beloved, that sounds like a good plan. My plan.

And He broke me.

Knocked me to my knees.

He is jealous for me.

He desires me.

And He will test my resolve the same way He tested Abraham that day He asked Abraham to kill his only son.

I am grateful that my biggest problems don’t even touch what Abraham had to deal with, but the point remains the same.

If my life were easy, I would have nothing to blog about.

If faith were easy, there would be nothing worthy of it.

Indeed, truly I tell you, if I weren’t given an opportunity to eat my own words and actually practice what I preach, walk what I talk, I would be doing all of you readers a great disservice.

Why would I sit here and tell you things that I don’t even apply to my own life?

No, truly, faith is the great equalizer – we are one in Christ, we are one with Christ, and we fight the good fight together.

And so readers, I must beg your forgiveness for my “can’t-be-touched” feelings, my expectations that suddenly a deep, great faith dawned upon me and my life would be easy.

My life will be easy? I can hear God chuckling.

I asked him to break me just a few days ago, in the post just before the one you’re reading.

And He has broken me.

Just know that behind this blog there is a wounded, scared little girl.

But know that I’m eating my words, as difficult to chew as they may be, and I will use them to nourish me this week of finals, this last week of the hardest year of my life.

And by the grace of God, I will survive.

And not only will I survive, but God willing – together, we will thrive!


One Comment Add yours

  1. It’s incredible how well He answers prayers like that, isn’t it?

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